Ah geeze...

[gekidazejanai]

I'd love to say I'm on a roll, but I'm not. Sitting here in the quiet not feeling good is giving me too damn much time to think. Mostly about how lonely I am. I never meant to be a single dad, I wanted us to be a family. I had everything all figured out, and it would have been great. Then it all fell apart. I love my little girl, I do, but...you can't confide in a little kid the kinds of insecurities and worries of the adult world. They don't understand, and it's not fair to make them. Sleeping alone can be the worst. After a long day, when all you want is someone to hold you so you can relax and let go of everything, a double bed is cold and kind of unwelcoming. I don't know. Maybe I just need to go out on a date or something. Not that it's easy as a single parent who works full time, but other people make it work. Ugh...I think I need to try and get more sleep, being sick makes me morose.

Comments

[choutasensei.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, Shishido... Maybe you should be sleeping rather than thinking about these things?

[gekidazejanai.livejournal.com]

Yeah...probably. I just can't fall asleep at the moment.

[choutasensei.livejournal.com]

... would you rather I skip this thing after classes and come and keep you company? I don't mind. You sound like you could use it...

[gekidazejanai.livejournal.com]

No. You go have fun, I'm just being maudlin and morose. You wouldn't enjoy my company right now. Seriously.

[choutasensei.livejournal.com]

I enjoy your company no matter what. And I don't think I'll have fun if I'm worrying about you. So I'm taking the decision out of your hands and I'll see you after my last class.

[gekidazejanai.livejournal.com]

.........bring sushi.

[choutasensei.livejournal.com]

Of course. :)

[gekidazejanai.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Sorry you're having to cancel your plans for me.

[choutasensei.livejournal.com]

Oh don't worry about it. Once you're better you'll be making it up to me. :)

[gekidazejanai.livejournal.com]

.........do I dare ask?

[choutasensei.livejournal.com]

Haha you can ask if you want to.

[gekidazejanai.livejournal.com]

Alright then, what do you have in mind for making this up to you?

[choutasensei.livejournal.com]

;) I think I'll leave it up to your imagination.

[gekidazejanai.livejournal.com]

Meanie

[choutasensei.livejournal.com]

I am and that's why you love me. :) I have to keep you on your toes somehow.


(ooc: I was so tempted to say 'treat them mean and keep them keen'... But I think that was just me!)

[gekidazejanai.livejournal.com]

Yeah yeah, I suppose.

(ooc: LOL that's great.)

[xlucky-sengoku.livejournal.com]

You could do what I'm doing? Get a dog! Sure I'm saying it's for my kid, but you can guarantee a dog will be there for you, they'll be there to greet you when you come home with a wagging tail and give you all the unconditional love and affection you need!

For the rest... If I work that one out I'll be sure to let you know. Short of finding a babysitter and having an ONS which isn't really my style, I've not worked out how to juggle a relationship (sexual or otherwise) with having a kid. But you're right, others do it... Maybe we're just going about this the wrong way?

[gekidazejanai.livejournal.com]

Mm, I've thought about it, but it would have to be an older dog that's already trained and house broken. And I'd have to have someone come let it out during the day for me. But I do love dogs, I just don't have time to train a puppy, you know?

ONS...I agree with you on that not being my style either. I did that enough before I met Arashi's mom, and I'm over it. I really do wonder what it is that we're not doing right. Maybe my expectations are too high? Or the fact that I've pretty much lost all interest in women, and it's harder to find eligible men who would be willing to date a single dad who works all the time. I have come to the conclusion that I have entirely too much time to think when I'm sick.

[xlucky-sengoku.livejournal.com]

Luckily I have more than enough time. But I can understand that. There are schools that can train dogs for you though, just so you don't give up on the idea because of that!

Ahaha I think, when kids are involved, people get more fussy since it's not just themselves they're thinking about. You've the added "will they be good for the kid? Will she like them? will they like her? Will they be a good dad?" ... Those are the extra hoops guys have to jump through to get to us which makes it difficult for them.

When you're sick those filters that stop you from thinking about it, and talking about stuff like this, all come down, I've noticed.

[gekidazejanai.livejournal.com]

True, I hadn't thought about that. Maybe I'll think about it for Arashi's birthday.

Exactly! Plus then I also have a full time job teaching and coaching tennis so that's even less time I would have to give to someone else. It'll be hard to find somebody who can understand that.

Yeah, that's gotta be it. Normally I just try not to think about this sort of thing because I have too much else on my plate.

[xlucky-sengoku.livejournal.com]

It's worth some thought!

If you throw yourself into your work then you won't have any more time for anyone else, will you~?

[gekidazejanai.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'll just have to figure out a good apartment dog. Though really, we could afford a house. And that could have a doggy door so I wouldn't have to worry about coming home to messes...May look into moving first.

No, but I also am less likely to notice that I'm lonely.

[xlucky-sengoku.livejournal.com]

Look into getting better, first.

But you are lonely... So do something about it!

[gekidazejanai.livejournal.com]

Hai hai.

I know. Maybe I need to put out an ad or something in a singles column. I'm not exactly meeting a lot of people at work, and I try to avoid bars.

[xlucky-sengoku.livejournal.com]

An ad might do it. But a little tip... if you don't make an effort then no one is going to make one for you. Maybe make yourself more available? Working so much is noble and everything, but throwing yourself into it is going to stop you from meeting anyone. As you're finding out!

[gekidazejanai.livejournal.com]

Ah, you're right about that too. I guess...I'm a little afraid of letting someone else in and having Arashi get attached to them in case it doesn't work out, you know?

[xlucky-sengoku.livejournal.com]

Kids are a lot more resilient than you give them credit for!

[gekidazejanai.livejournal.com]

True, I just...don't want to set her up for heartache when she's already doing so much to help me out already. I don't think she knows I've noticed, but the little things she does to make it a little easier for me make me feel kinda guilty sometimes that she even has picked up the skills to do it.

[xlucky-sengoku.livejournal.com]

Ahaha that's kids for you. Mine is the same way.

[gekidazejanai.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I need to give her some good presents this year. New teddy bear for sure.